This email is pretty gross, sorry Mom!! ahhajsdaskd but it’s also really funny. I got this email a bit ago… so weird!!!!!! What do you think he should do!?

Email:

I’ve always found it interesting when I hear about roommates who don’t like to share and the household requires two of everything.  Two bottles of ketchup, two sets of dishes… you get the idea.  However one item I can agree with each person having their own is a computer.  Anyone who has gone to college, and is not dirt poor, probably came about having their own computer sometime during their early adulthood.  A computer can be used to store personal things: photos, documents, articles written for www.helloamanda.com , and oh yeah, the use of the internet’s endless supply of porn.

If you feel the need to be your own best friend, that is fine with me, but in the privacy of your own room.  My roommate is in the process of replacing his personal computer, and bought a junker off of e-bay that arrived last Wednesday.  The thing hasn’t worked since it arrived, and rather than plug his old one back in, he has privately begun using my computer for his recreational masturbation.  Yes, you heard correctly.  Since he is too lazy to turn his old computer back on, and wouldn’t want to get caught using his work laptop, my bedroom has now become his holy shrine to practicing his John Hancock.

The first time I noticed he had used my computer, it was because each powered item (monitor, speakers, tower), had been turned off individually, instead of all at once with the main switch.  When I turned the computer on, and opened Internet Explorer, the “history” window was open and that day’s log was empty.  Not unusually strange considering it was the first time that day my computer had been turned on, to my knowledge.  I closed the history window thinking “ok, maybe he had used the computer.  After all, his wasn’t working.”  The same thing happened with the internet history a few more times during the week, and I began to wonder what anyone would be looking at that would need erasing.  Another thing that tipped me off was when I opened Media Player to listen to music, it was blown up to the entire screen, and the volume was turned way down.  Was my roommate really pulling his goalie in MY bedroom when I wasn’t home???

So I got a bit sneaky…  What else would you do?  Would you want to know for sure, or just let your roommate continue in his private quest to seek the wizard in your personal space?  So I turned on the history within Media Player yesterday before leaving the house to enjoy Father’s Day with my family.  Media Player allows you to track the last 5 or so things that it was used to play back on your computer.  I thought I would turn this on, and lay in wait for the next couple of days to get some real dirt.  However, even on a day honoring our Fathers, the roommate wasn’t able to keep from riding his racehorse all the way to Dixieland.  By the time I came home, internet history had been wiped, Media Player had been blown to full screen, and volume had been set to “still be able to hear if Sean comes home”.  My ace card, the MP history log; I only needed to click on one entry to get my answer.  It could have been worse, at least it wasn’t gay porn.

How much longer can I allow this to go on?  I understand a man has his needs, but come on!  Is this my punishment for talking him out of sleeping with that dirty, chain-smoking prostitute that lives in the apartment complex across from us?  I thought I was doing a good deed, cause last time I checked, herpes is not on every man’s Christmas wish list.  Thankfully he hasn’t left any physical evidence from galloping the antelope, but that might only be a matter of time.  I thought about password protecting my computer, but that would only make it obvious that I caught on and it might only anger him further to where he begins playing Yahtzee in my bed.  I need help, what should I do?!?!