So why did it suck so bad you ask?

Well, I don’t know exactly why, it just did. The movie is not funny at all except for the funny parts you see in the preview. It actually was semi depressing. She has all these crazy issues, she’s chasing her ex boyfriend who’s now married w a kid, she’s a total train wreck alcoholic who pulls her hair out, literally… etc etc. She makes a total fool of herself 100 times and it just ends all bad. The movie is slow, boring and has no real point or ending. I have no idea how it even made it to Sundance, let alone theaters.

I thought I would have sooo much in common with Charlize, however it turns out the only things I have in common with her character are:

* I sleep in Hello Kitty shirts.

* I have a super cute Pomeranian but I don’t abandon her in motel rooms.

* I have her Dior sunglasses she wears the entire movie.

* I have a similar grumpy, dry sarcasm, however hers is more like a severe depression.

* I make weird, “expressive” faces when I talk

* I am stubborn.

Things I do NOT have in common with this girl:

* Sometimes I don’t like brushing my hair but mine is never in knots.

* I don’t pull my hair out, ewww looked so painful and gross.

* I do not have a  drinking problem.

* I do not chase married men with babies, nor would ever.

* I don’t like mini coopers.

* I don’t wear baggy man jeans.

* I don’t sleep with unattractive, large men when I am sad.

Ok I think you get the point… I rarely advise against seeing movies but this one is for sure skippable which is sooooo sad because I totally thought it would be my new favorite, it had suchhh potential! I wouldn’t even rent it. That bad.

I don’t understand these contests, because they’re not even accurate at ALL as to who is the “hottest”. 90% of the girls who entered are disasters with lopsided boobs. Actually, now that I think about it, I should have entered, I guess to win 35k all it took was simply knowing enough people to vote for you. Nah, my dignity isn’t worth 35k. I can’t even imagine standing next to these things disguised as females.

I don’t even know what is going on with the chick in blue, how are they ok with these boob jobs? I flip out if 1cm of my bang is crooked let alone my boobs? Then to put on a string and show the crooked things off??? Now I know why guys think girls are a joke.

Ee-nie, meanie, mine-e, NO.

Girl next door, almost… not quite. Who is making these hideous, skinny, weird sideways tops?

“A” cup fake boobs. My fave. Another weird top, so what, did they all caravan to the stripper store together? Girrrrrl you get blue flowers and I’ll get brown glitter!

Was there not an age limit on this contest? Good to know in case I hit 55 and run outta cash.

And Zebra pumps at the pool? Stop.

Wondering who won? This beauty. Guess the good news is, now she can finally buy a bikini top!

It’s a good thing you took your top off tho, bikini tops are wayyy too big.

Class it up ladies. Put your tops back on, and please stop getting such horrible boob jobs. And if you do decide to enter a bikini contest? Believe it or not, less is not always more, and there are ways to do it with class. Second thoughts tho… teaching a stripper what class is, would be like trying to teach a pig to sing.

And to think someone handed out $35,000? You realize these same girls woulda done it for 1,000 right? Think of a better name next time Hot 100, because these chicks aren’t hot. Ok, I’m done.

**Disclaimer: Please don’t send me any emails saying these girls are “really nice” because A. This isn’t the Who’s the Friendliest 100, B. I don’t care how nice they are, they are embarrassing. C. I do know a few girls that were in it that were still cute and classy, and lastly please also do not email me telling me I am not hot, because I already know, that’s why I didn’t enter the contest

Lately I’ve heard so many  ”industry” people refer to me as a Princess, but I’ll take that as a compliment. I value myself, want things done correctly, don’t let people take advantage of me, think that I’m above doing drugs, and expect to be treated with respect. If you say you’re my friend, and I am a good friend to you, I expect that in return. If I buy a 2k table and you get an attitude with me, I am going to respond the same. Disrespect me and yeah, you’ll hear about it. I am nice to people until they give me a reason not to be. Makes sense to a normal person, not so much to an industry phony. The second you open your mouth they don’t know what to do, they’re not used to it. Backbones? What are those?

Industry phonies also don’t have minds or opinions of their own. They’re all followers. One person says one thing and next thing you know, 53 other followers believe that as fact without ever knowing for themselves. I’ve heard people talk about me that I have never even met or spoken to. Pathetic. No one has their own personality, values, opinions, it’s like one giant traveling circus.

I like the people who exist in the industry, but take it for what it is. The people who know the game but play it smarter. The people who aren’t wasting money and brain cells on cocaine, weed, pills and adderal, or think poppin bottles make them cool. I like the people who are above the phoniness, who can go out and have fun, but have more to offer. Those are the people I get along with. Those are the people I understand and who understand me.

Everyone’s slept with everyone, everyone’s on drugs, everyone secretly hates everyone and everyone is a backstabbing gossiper, who’s earpiece and clipboard has left them with a false sense of worth. I guess this is a giant dis for all you industry phonies, and a pat on the back to those of you who never got lost in it. Such a waste of a life and I want nothing to do with it. I’ve see so many old friends get eaten alive by the industry and it makes me sad.

Anyway, instead of letting the phonies get to me, I will from here out just stay away from it all. If that life makes you happy, great… I’ve got better things to do, like polish my crown I know this article won’t please many but I think everyone knows people pleasing has never been my forte so oh well.

PS- If you have something to sayyyy please leave a comment here! I already have a handful of emails and I love all of your replies! Please post the comments here as well! Thanks guys xoxo

Calling me that doesn’t hurt my feelings. I’ll never understand why someone else cares what I put on my face. I look just fine without make up thank you very much, but I am girly and do enjoy playing with products and make up. Same way you bros like fixing up bikes and cars, I like playing with my face. End of story, now can we move on to some better insults? Thanks.

Oh and I have no idea why Sheila has a kiss on her boobs. Def not from my pink lips! Flooze.

Wearing Creme de la Femme lipstick by MAC.

I purposely go to the gym hideous, with no make up, so why do guys still come up and bother me? It’s such a tricky thing, because sometimes I might want guys to talk to me, but the chance you’re one of the .000000000001% I have an interest in is rare which brings me back to the it’s best you leave me be rule. Plus when guys go up to a girl at the gym everyoneeee watches, so not only are you stressing me out, the fact that 90 eyes are on me as you’re stressing me out, stresses me out even more! I did have a guy write me a note once, that was at least respectful, however I have no idea where he got the supplies?

It just seems every single place I go to, a guy bothers me and in the wrong way. Maybe if it were a normal hi or hello it’d be one thing, but the fools that come up to me say the stupidest things. If they’re not speechless, stuttering WHOA HEY HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, WHOA HEY THERE, then they’re sick perverts growling, grunting, barking, howling etc. Plus they’re always out of my league? Not like I am some untouchable princess (…. pause…) but if you’re 56, why on earth would I want to talk to you? If you are the trash man, who has 5 ninos at home and a lovely wife waiting to greet you with a big dinner, why are you blowing kisses at me? Do you think we like it? Stop. Oh and don’t bother sending comments that say, you should be happy that men want to talk to you. Really? Because I see them harass everyone, even fugly girls, so no, harassing me really is not a compliment.

Then the other day a bum yelled at Sheila and I. If you even call it yelling. I never turn around, but whatever noise he made caused me to turn around out of pure shock, I had to see what creature made the noise. When I turned around he said YEAHHHHHHHHH as he nodded his head or something sick. He then peed his pants. My whole face scrunched up. I feel gross men should be responsible for my wrinkles and be held liable in a beauty court. Pay up, we’ll see how much you be barkin then.

Then there are the guys who think they need to offer their gym assistance as a method of contact. Oh how kind of you! Nothing is more annoying than when you bros try to give me workout tips. I’ll always say no thanks and walk off. It’s soooo rude. If we’re gonna exchange tips then how about you go change your outfit, stop only working out your biceps, stop plucking your brows too much, take off your bandanna and then well chat. Plus when I am super sweaty and ugly I really don’t want anyone to talk to me so I guess we worked through this complex together?

Final verdict? Do not bother me at the gym or ever, unless you are polite and normal. Bye.

Disclaimer: No, I didn’t really buy the shirt, I am 100% snob online where I’m safe, but only 82% snob in real life. I kind of wish I did though, these predators need to be controlled.

]]> http://www.helloamanda.com/2011/01/my-new-gymlife-shirt/feed/ 8 http://www.helloamanda.com/2011/01/you-just-cant-win/ http://www.helloamanda.com/2011/01/you-just-cant-win/#comments Thu, 13 Jan 2011 09:50:19 +0000 amandajo http://www.helloamanda.com/?p=7398 I found this on a fellow female blogger’s site and died laughing, soooo true! You really can’t win in life! All we can do is do what makes us happy and well, if people don’t like it, hair toss, bye. There will always be someone unhappy with something you’re doing, do it anyway.

A list of some common dilemmas we face daily, lots of them being online!

If you are anonymous – you must be a fat ugly loser in real life.

If you show your identity and you look ugly – You should do plastic surgery.

If you show your identity and you already did plastic surgery – you are fake and disgusting.

If you are au-natural and pretty – you are still fake coz you put make-up, or must photoshop your pictures.

If you are pretty and don’t put make up – it’s because you don’t know how. Also, you look boring and pale.

If you are pretty and put make up – you are superficial, insecure and shallow. Go save a whale.

If you get popular – you are a famewhore.

If you don’t get popular – you are a nobody.

If you get popular and earn money from being popular – you are a sell-out.

If you get popular but don’t earn money – you are stupid, and also, who do you think you are, so bloody high and mighty?

If you are single and not dating – something’s wrong with you.

If you are single and dating – you are a slut.

If you are attached – your boyfriend is either ugly or too good for you.

If you are married – you are a boring housewife.

If you are married with kids – why the fuck are you blogging when you should be looking after your kids? You are a shit mom.

If your partner is rich – you are a gold-digger.

If your partner is poor – you are a unrealistic romantic and if you break up with him for someone who works later on, you are a gold-digger.

If your partner is nice – Don’t know what he sees in you.

If your partner is a jerk – You are a moron for dating him in the first place but you deserve no better anyway.

If you keep your life private – you have something to hide and you are a liar.

If you don’t keep your life private and your life is sad – What a loser.

If you don’t keep your life private and your life is fab – What a show off.

If you don’t speak your mind – you are stupid, apathetic and unopinionated.

If you speak your mind – you are ignorant and talking about things you don’t know about. You should shut up.

If you are fat – that’s the only thing you are. That and disgusting.

If you are skinny – You must be anexoric or bulimic. Also you are making other women feel fat and thus spreading unhealthy weight ideals.

If you are of average weight – You are fat.

If you don’t respond to haters – Means what they said must be true and you have nothing to say.

If you respond nicely to haters – They will just have more ammunition and hate you more.

If you respond rudely to haters – You cannot take criticism and you are a cyberbully.

Overall… You just can’t win!!

However with this second text, there are rules. Serious rules. And I said TWO texts total, not NINE.

FIRST and foremost your second text may NEVER say “Oh okkkk or not” “Okkkk fine don’t reply” “I guess you don’t like me ” Hello? Um I’m pretty sure they know they didn’t reply to you, no need to re bring it up like you noticed. Way to act totally desperate.

SECOND your follow up text should be DAYS later, not an hour later like you have nothing better to do than to worry about whether or not he replied.

THIRD The second text should have NOTHING to do with your first text. If your first text said “hey whats upppp.” Then the most your second text can say is “Hey, were going out later if you want to come let me know.” The second text should just be a poke reminder like Hi, I’m here. If he bites great if not, delete. He’s not interested .

FOURTH (Most important) After you contact someone twice, whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Text, Email, Calling whatever… if they do not reply after two tries, that’s IT. Never contact them again. I don’t care who it is unless they owe you money

FIFTH When you are ignored, you are not allowed to reply ANGRY texts! Forget you, forget it. Oh ok I see how it is. Whatever you’re not hot anyway… all I am reading is “I was rejected and I am mad!” Save face and just be quiet.

Example of just one of the psycho texters: Hsdkflfdjkahaha are you kidding?

PS LOL doesn’t trick me into thinking you’re laughing and don’t care.

Exception to the Triple Texting law: The ONLY exception to this rule is if it’s a friend or someone you don’t care what they think. This post is in regards to dating and new phone numbers in your phone, not really anything else. Courting someone does not mean chasing until you’re out of breath.

Disclaimer: Disregard these rules if you are an asshole ex boyfriend who messed up, call a million times until she forgives you. Actually you should be at her door crying with flowers not calling anyway.

Honestly Kim is famous for her sex tape with Ray J, it was 100% planned and her plan worked. I have friends who work in LA and have confirmed that Kim planned the entire thing. Isn’t it just crazy to think that if you just put all your values aside, and do something scandalous, you could be travelling the world living out all your dreams? I find myself questioning what the best way to live is. A super fun, honest, value filled life with amazing family and friends all while waiting for Italy trips to come due to your own real success, or the easy way… taking off your clothes and using your looks to make your way to the top. Bentley’s, beach vacations, boys throwing themselves at her, shopping sprees, I mean I want it alllllllll ahhhhh.

I realize that those things are all amazing, but I could never live with myself knowing at night I had it all because I was a sell out and made a sex tape. For me that’s not real.

It also reminded me of the time my best friend and I sat on the phone calling all the escorts her boyfriend was sleeping with. This one bitch was texting her the most awful things. “Your man bought my tits” When my friend told her she was an empty, pathetic person for selling her ass for a boob job, her reply was “I live a life of luxury and love it!!!!” Are you kidding me???? What is luxurious about selling your entire worth and existence for a Louis bag? You’re a c*m dumpster, I rather be homeless eating pizza out of the trash can than carrying a Louis Vuitton someone else’s man bought after paying to sleep with me. What is wrong with everyone!??! I mean you really think you’re classy because of that purse? You’re a paid whore, there is nothing lower class than that.I realize 90% of the world would compromise their values if it meant gaining something of material substance quick and most these people genuinely see these “things” as the cause of their happiness. What they don’t realize is it’s temporary happiness, it does not last. Everyone wants the quick buck, the simple solution all while here I am trying to just find my way, my place, trusting that the money will come when you do what you love, even if it takes 3 years longer, so what. I can keep my clothes on and wait.

So as bitter as I may be that I am not on a private jet flying my parents around Italy, I know that at least one day I’ll be able to take them on a nice vacation, hey maybe even to Italy, with money I earned through hard work and not from money I made sacrificing myself and selling out.

Anyone can be hot, anyone can go to the gym everyday, anyone can get a boob job, anyone can find a sugar daddy, anyone can sell their ass, anyone can get surgery, it’s not hard. Flirt with one stupid rich guy, fake love him and bam you’re hot over night. I mean look at every one of Hef’s girlfriends. They walk in total trailer trash and walk out ten times prettier and celebrities. It’s nuts. I remember one episode of Girls Next Door, Kendra literally kissed her boobs and thanked them for her success. You think Kendra would have EVER been famous without her boobs, um no. How can you go to sleep at night knowing you exist only because of two bags some doctor jammed into you.

Most these girls love to pull the “You’re jealous” card too. Um I’ve been to Playboy 532 times. You don’t think I coulda bleached  my hair, taken out a loan, shoved some boobs in me, gotten a nice spray tan and lurked Hef’s table until I was picked up? I mean one of my best friends was asked to be one of his girlfriends and she was like um no. It’s not hard.

We went to Playboy for the free drinks and dinner because we were/are fat and liked/like to eat, oh and of course we loved to dress up and take cute pics too. After every Playboy party my best friend and I would wake up with chocolate cookies over flowing out of our purses. Our priority was to smuggle as many cookies home as possible, not to become famous by being a skank

Yes I once was blonde...

I will always take the P!NK route. Everyone thought P!NK was lame compared to Britney Spears, and while I did love hot ass Brit, today I appreciate and love P!NK wayyyy more. Look at Brit now, washed up, divorced, fat, and a single mom raising 2 kids with a different boyfriend every other week. Being hot eventually ends. Pink never sold out and made it by simply being a hard working, big hearted girl with a plan. A real celeb to admire and standing strong still unlike most others of her time.

As hot and desirable as some people are, if you really get down to who they are and what they stand for, they’re pretty lame. So the Sappy Sunday for today?

“Nothing of great value in this life comes easily. The things of highest value sometimes come hard. The gold that has the greatest value lies deepest in the earth, as do the diamonds.”

How does anyone think this is ok? Girls… if your boyfriend refuses to add your pictures or change his status on Facebook he is either cheating, has cheated or is thinking about cheating. I was in a relationship a while ago and was a victim of an online predator myself. My boyfriend would tell me he couldn’t add our pics because he didn’t like the way he looked in them. Really? In all 892 pics you don’t like the way you look not even in ONE? Haha. I later found out he was a total online cheater, and it all made sense.

Other great excuses I’ve heard:

* Don’t tag me in pics because I don’t want people to see the ones of me drinking in the rest of the album. Um everyone knows you drink. You just don’t want your whores seeing you have a full on gf you go on vacations with!

* I don’t want a Facebook relationship. Um then DELETE your Facebook or don’t be in a relationship with me. Simple.

* I don’t want people to work with to see our pics. So people you work with can’t know you date me? Interesting!

* People are jealous of our life. Um no sorry, no one cares about our relationship that much.

* It’s so silly and small and not important. It is silly and not a big deal so uh, why aren’t you changing it?

Point of this post is NO matter what these stupid people say, there is no reason at all that your man or woman should not have “In a Relationship” listed on their profile or have you missing in their pics. If your man is keeping his profile to appear like he is single, there is a reason. Don’t even bother finding out just dump him. Don’t waste another day with some fool who isn’t sure about you. Bye.

You should never have to ask to be known about in a relationship, don’t deal with it. So ladies, gentleman, go home after work today and tell your stupid sneaky man or woman that you’re leaving to be with someone who wants to be with them back. It’s something so small but soooo big! If someone isn’t owning up to you that alone is enough for me to want out. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is the happiest person ever to be with them and who is proud to tell the world