I think the hardest part of being in a relationship is actually understanding what your bf wants is probably very different than what you want. Guys and girls have about as much in common as dogs and cats, so we have to remember what makes you happy doesn’t necessarily make him happy.

Us girls feed off of emotional love and support and well, during hard times, most men prefer the opposite, they want to handle it alone. It’s girls’ natural instinct to observe our boyfriends having bad days and wanting to do anything in our power to make it better, because well, that is what we want. We have a bad day and we want our boyfriends to call and talk about it, make dinner plans, lay in bed with us as we cry, the whole 9 yards. So when we see the guys upset, we do what we would want them to do for us, but in reality that’s not what most men want. Guys like dealing with things at their own pace, in their own space and actually enjoy figuring things out on their own. So next time your man has a bad day and you’re rushing to his side, take a step back and think about what he really wants, space.

It seems counterintuitive, but a new series of studies from the University of Iowa discovered that too much support can actually hurt your relationship. “There is this myth that the more encouraging you are, the better,” says lead researcher Erika Lawrence, PhD. “In fact, being overly helpful does greater damage than providing too little assistance.”

The study also discussed real life situations, men that had been in a tough place—often having been laid off—and the women dropped everything to help them: searching for position openings, proofreading their résumés, being extra affectionate, etc. They thought they were doing exactly what a loving girlfriend or wife should do. But in case after case, guys actually ended up leaving the partners who’d been the most outwardly compassionate. Men are crazyyy, but that’s naturally just how they function.

There’s a big gap between what men and women need when they’re upset. “Men retreat and deal with things alone,” says Paul Dobransky, MD, director of womenshappiness.com. “Women, on the other hand, band together.” See, guys learn from an early age that their role is the provider and protector. “Being overly helpful sends him the message that he needs assistance and can’t handle it without you,” explains Paul Coleman, PhD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy. “He doesn’t want to be with someone who thinks he’s weak.” So give him space to decide for himself how much to share with you and the kind of input he wants. And resist sharing your opinion about what he should do next. One of the University of Iowa studies discovered that no one wants unsolicited advice.

So how should you react when your man does have a bad day? Right way vs. wrong way…

Let’s say he got passed over for a promotion. Wrong way tells him “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” as you give him a huge hug, suggesting he talk to his boss, and promising to help him look for something new can read as though he failed to live up to your expectations—not to mention pile pressure on him to succeed next time. Instead, express confidence in him. “Just tell him ‘I know you can handle this,’ and leave it at that unless he asks for more,” Coleman urges. “Listen to him, then remind him of a time in the past when he kicked ass.”

What’s more, overreacting compounds the issue because now he has yet another thing on his mind: whether you’re okay. Suddenly, he’s not only worrying about the original problem, but he’s also worrying about you being stressed over it.

“Your concern can amplify the magnitude of the situation for him,” Coleman adds. For example, if he got into a fight with a friend, firing off a ton of questions and coming up with ways to fix things might make him feel like it’s a bigger deal than he had thought. Play down the drama by letting him take the lead in talking about it.

Why It Doesn’t Help You Either

When you get up in his grill, chances are, some of his anxiety will rub off on you, and the last thing you need is two stress cases. Distancing yourself a bit will help you stay calm and level-headed—hopefully he’ll pick up on your cue and chill out too. Plus, “if you keep offering more support than you receive, you risk building up resentment,” Coleman warns. Sure, at times everyone gives more than they get, but there should be a general balance. It’s exhausting to always take on the role of morale booster. So give yourself a break.

Another risk of shifting into comfort overdrive: You start feeling like his mom, Dr. Dobransky says. Don’t go there. You won’t see him as your strong, capable boyfriend or husband but as someone who needs coddling. And how sexy is that? Thought so.

The One Kind of Support You Can Never Go Wrong With

Interestingly, there’s a certain type of help that always works, no matter what the circumstances. According to recent research from Columbia University, “invisible support”—giving someone a hand behind the scenes so that he doesn’t even realize you’re assisting him—boosts a person’s mood and relaxes him. (Conversely, support that’s done out in the open actually increases a person’s stress level. He feels bad that you’re going out of your way on his behalf and also feels indebted to you, which adds to the burden.)

So be sweet to your guy in subtle ways. Cook up his favorite dinner one night without mentioning anything about it, casually give him a back rub while he’s working on the computer, or let him off the hook about attending Aunt Thelma’s Fourth of July party with you. It turns out, the best assistance you can give him is concealing the fact that you’re even lending him a hand in the first place.

Draw Him In

Ever find that the more you try to convince your guy to open up about a problem, the more he shuts down? This strategy will break the cycle. Every relationship has a balance of power that experts describe as the pursuer/ distancer dynamic. Here’s how it plays out.

The pursuer craves a deep connection and loves sharing his or her thoughts and feelings with a partner. The distancer requires greater emotional and physical space. As the pursuer tries to increase intimacy, the distancer withdraws further.

No surprise here: Women are usually the pursuers. But you can turn the tables. If you’re often the one pushing for a tighter bond, detach some—hang out with your friends more, take up a solo hobby, and refrain from texting or calling him as much. As you cool off, he’ll start warming up.

Unless he’s totally checked out of the relationship, he’ll be blowing up your phone.

Most of this article was from Cosmo but I thought it offered some valid points us girls tend to forget how different us men and women really are! So next time you think you are helping, back off a bit, you’ll probably be helping more than you realize

What men also need to remember though, if we’re letting you be upset your way, then when we’re upset you have to let us be upset our way too. That means offering support, talking about it until we feel better, stopping whatever you’re doing to be supportive, planning something special to take our mind off things etc.

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